Aliens in America: Pilot (Episode 1)

In today’s troubling times, with its ever-shifting geopolitical landscape, when Americans are questioning allegiances both at home and abroad, what do they need to see on television? What show can the CW put on to help staunch the flow of religious intolerance and socio-political turmoil? If you said “America's Next Top Model” – I would totally agree with you, but you would be wrong. Enter “Aliens in America,” a slice of homegrown humor on the CW.

Set in Medora, Wisconsin, “Aliens in America” features our hero, Justin Tolchuck, a 16 year-old social pariah struggling through life in small town Wisconsin and whose social skills are not matched by his insightful and endearing inner monologue. Justin is joined in the Tolchuck household by his father Gary, who we all know is really Luke Danes from Luke's Diner in Stars Hollow.

Luke-Gary is clearly in the witness protection program or in deep, deep undercover, taking a sabbatical from serving Lorelei and Rory pancakes for a bit, and is the entrepreneurial leader of the Tolchuck clan. The over-doting Matriarch of the clan, Franny, has a spot-on Midwestern accent, close-mindedness to follow, and vice-like grip on managing her family. Rounding out the household is Justin's younger (and cooler and better looking) sister Claire.

The pilot episode opens with Justin on the cusp of his Junior year in High School, which Franny proclaims to Justin is going to be “your year.” After Justin has let us know that the previous years have been decidedly “not his,” a slow and steady build up ensues in which we, the gentle viewers, are led to believe that this will be Justin's year. First, he has a run-in with the school bullies, a set of twins, in which the creepiness of the suggestion that Justin should have an incestuous relationship with his sister is the only injuring that lingers from the conversation, and Justin is happy to have escaped without any bruising. After find inspiration in the avoidance of an assault, Justin then finds himself overhearing, and ultimately passively partaking in some locker room banter at the expense of his sister. Yes...it just might just be his year after all. Can see the build up on this one a mile away?

The tricycle starts descending down the crest of Mount Everest as soon as Justin sees a list of the high school's most “bangable” girls. Clare, in a stroke of seeming good fortune, has achieved placement at slot number 3. Justin, in a decided stroke of misfortune, is creeping up behind her at slot number 8. Justin has a tragic realization that “the problem wasn't my hair or braces - the problem was me. And I was never going to change.” It is such a “The Wonder Years” moment that I find myself wishing that a soulful tune by Bob Dylan or The Birds was playing in the background.

In a mommy bird protecting her flock move, Franny marches into school to see the guidance counselor, securing Justin’s ascent to position #6 on the list. The guidance counselor/top-selling car sales man in town makes a radical suggestion that the Tolchucks get an exchange student as a measure to help Justin fit in, and points to the Arian ideal smiling on the front cover of the brochure. Our hero and his parents head to the airport to pick up their blond haired, blue-eyed key to popularity and instead are greeted by…Raja. From Pakistan. Cue the Islama-pod for music that’s part Middle Eastern, part 60’s psychedelic flashback to really nail the message that the Tolchucks are SHOCKED. Luke-Gary tells Raja that the boy they ordered was supposed to come from London, which apparently Raja did, on his way from Pakistan. Justin looks as though he’s about to pass out as Raja praises Allah for his family. In the airport. In Wisconsin. Good times for everyone at the TSA to enjoy.

As the ever-polite Raja arrives at the Tolchuck’s, the tension is palpable between the non-Pakistanis. Franny invokes her motherly duties and sends Raja to bed at 6:30 so the family can debrief. Luke-Gary doesn’t think that the plan to “return” Raja will fly, even though Franny points out that if she ordered a coffee maker and got a toaster, she’d return it, and asks Luke-Gary “What about the terrorist question,” questioning his civic pride in his belief that Medora isn’t good enough to blow up.

The Tolchucks decide to let Raja stay and we experience Raja’s first day at school with him. Raja gets into the Tolchuck-mobile for a ride to school, and the Islama-pod is cued once again as Raja takes in the sultry Claire. (Something tells me there might be a passage about this sort of thing somewhere in the Koran.) The train wreck that Justin envisioned as Raja’s first day comes to life and culminates with one of Medora’s fine teachers starting a dialogue in her class with the “real live Pakistani who practices Muslimism.” Apparently, the dialogue is a bit one-sided, as one of the students tells Raja he inspires anger amongst the students “because he’s different and his people blew up the buildings in New York.” Yup, that seems about right. Raja comes home and starts venting to Justin about the frustrations of his day, and ultimately stops himself by chanting Islamic prayers. Justin’s voice-over informs us that this is the strangest thing he’s ever seen in his house, and that includes the time when a clown died there.

We come to find out that while Raja says prayers for comfort in strength, Justin finds the same thing in a tray of brownies and a CD. Ok, we are now at the point in the program, where we, the humble viewers, are seeing the beginning of a friendship, a bit of common understanding. You know what that means right? MONTAGE! Oh yes, even the most seasoned shows aren’t immune to it, that scene-rific way of telling a story set to a really good song where the writers get a break from all that tedious dialogue. Wait…are we sure this isn’t the “Wonder Years?” Yes, we are sure - The music is decidedly post-1968. We see Justin and Raja playing soccer (amongst the alpacas that Luke-Gary is raising as an investment opportunity), we see Justin and Raja playing video games, we see Justin and Raja sharing secrets. We see it all, and we understand. Sigh. Franny and Luke-Gary are still a bit upset with the turn of events that has them believing a jihadist is sleeping in their guest room and go back to Mr. Guidance Counselor/Top Car Sales Man and complain. After admitting that he knew that Raja was Pakistani, he tells the Tolchucks that the situation has become a political hot potato, one that the American International Exchange Program in all of its power (which is apparently quite great) ordered him to resolve. After appealing to the Tolchuck’s better selves doesn’t work, Mr. I’ve-got-a-Toyota/Diploma-for-you shows them the first check they’ll receive for housing Raja and Luke-Gary sees the light.

All is well and good until Franny comes home and sees Justin praying toward Mecca with Raja. While one can assume that most Midwestern mothers have high hopes for things that their sons will become, it is probably extremely safe to say Muslim does not rank high on that list. I’m not judging, I’m just saying. With one snap assessment and one false claim that Grammy Tolchuck is dying, Franny has Justin in the car on the way to the airport to pick up a return ticket for Raja on the ‘ole express flight from Chippewa Falls to Islamabad. When Franny tells Raja that he has to go home because of an “insurance issue,” there are some long faces. Justin is bummed (he’s losing a newly formed friend), Luke-Gary is disappointed (he’s losing money) and Raja is knowingly aware of what’s going on, but graciously accepts his fate. As he packs, Franny tries to alleviate her guilt by telling Raja that she is sure that his mother is probably missing him and that this is for the best. Well, put your foot in your mouth, Franny, because Raja’s mother is DEAD. Yup, so is his Dad. Nice going, Franny! Apparently, this simple admission from the young Pakistani is enough to help Franny see him as a young boy, and she changes her mind, flipping the lie to Raja. Hooray! Raja can stay! The show can go on, and it won’t be changed to “Aliens in America Who Couldn’t Stay Because Americans Don’t Like Middle Easterners,” which may have a demographic base across the US, but would be a bit tough to market and promote.

The show wraps with the best dinner ever with Raja, the Tolchucks and Clare’s new boyfriend, who is (whisper) black. It’s possible Franny might work to ship him off to Islamabad in future episodes, and that is definitely worth tuning in for.

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